Holiday Emotions

While we have the gift of life, it seems to me the only tragedy is to allow part of us to die: whether it is our spirit, our creativity or our glorious uniqueness."

Gilda Radner During the holiday we often feel as if our spirit is dying as we ponder holidays from the past, and drift off to a realm of sadness. Just today as I hung the Christmas ornaments on the tree I broke down and wept for the Christmases past. I now soulfully go back in time to my two young brothers, Troy and Mark as I never even had a Christmas with them, as they went to heaven very young. My brother Hank and I always felt the holiday would have brought them joy. The men in my family, my grandfather, and my father both died too young, one of them the life of the celebration, and the other expert at teachings of the true holiday spirit moreover, they both kept all of us crazy women in line, (as we liked to argue a lot). Now as I hang an ornament that says granddaughter, I feel broken, she was the matriarch, the earth angel, and saint that held me together. I hang the ornaments shaped as bones for two of my dogs that went on to the rainbow bridge. I see one for Kimmy, one for Mocha, now I sit down because I can't even think of this as when Mocha died I was with her and saw her sweet soul go to heaven, now I feel so sad, oh the guilt I forgot to purchase an ornament for my precious baby Nizmo. He joined my other pups at the rainbow bridge just this year. I stop hanging the ornaments as I need to stop crying. At first, I wept now tears thunder down my cheeks. I know the true reason of all this pain, for years my little princess Katerina now 19 years old, had the pleasure of Christmas tree, official decorator, of course, myself, my husband and her brothers, Ray and Dillon would put a few special ornaments on the tree, however, she was the one who shined like the angel atop the tree, glowing from one cheek to the other as she placed the ornaments one by one. She would always tell me the stories of each one. Katerina moved in with her friends and didn't decorate our tree. I now realize that all these years she was protecting me from crying with each ornament she placed upon the tree. Now I text her as I'm red-faced from sobbing, and of course, she says " Mom, I'm literally only a few miles away and don't worry, I'll make Nizmo an ornament." This is all comforting yet, my oldest Ray now married over a year and he and his wife Ashley have added their traditions, as expected. Dillon still lives with us, however, he's more of an I will put the lights up and outdoor decorations kind of guy. So Katerina will always be in my memories as the princess of Christmas tree decorating. My purpose of this post is not to have you join in melancholy. I'm just saying no matter your faith, religion, color or race we all have this universal sadness that comes from time to time. We need to raise our awareness.

We all have the gift of life, and no matter how sad we still bring our memories forward during the holiday season as it truly is a time of joy and gathering of family, and friends. Remember, we all have our unique differences nevertheless, we have all endured loss that has caused pain. This holiday season lets join together and remember if we are getting frustrated as we shop, bake, decorate, and more we all have souls filled with emotion. For myself, I have to keep telling myself through the holiday, this is not about you. Christmas is about the birth of Jesus, it's his day! Whatever your belief will find the true meaning, and you will find joy and peace. Love, light & prayers, Michele"